"I have to say this because I know you won't."

I won't. Because I don't want to say it. I don't want to tell you the truth. I don't want to cut your feet on my little truths like blades of grass swaying in a cold breeze, so don't walk any closer. The truths of my self. I don't want to show you, and I don't want to look. To turn around and look myself in the eye and see a screaming, dirty, unorganized mess with no purpose and no direction. A coward. A girl with cold blood, looking for someone else's sun to bask in. A lizard. A slinky, scaly, green lizard.

But it's time I do. It's time I accept the lizard I am and find out how to work with that, and turn it into something I can be as proud of as this fictional personality that I wear on the outside.

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I am suffocating myself. I'm drowning in my own filth.

Why do I have two cats, a dog, and soon to be a roommate in a two-bedroom apartment?
There's no room to breathe.

I haven't cleaned in at least a week or two.

I'm good at feigning happiness.

I'm good at being somewhere loud when my parents call to see what I'm up to.

I miss being thirteen, or seventeen or whatever age that was where I always felt so excited about life.

Now I just feel frantic. Pressured. Like time's moving too fast and I'm wasting all of mine.

I shouldn't be with Ben right now. I love him, but I don't know if I can handle it. He's great but he's a boyfriend you know? Relationships come with a whole new package of complications. I go on and off about this all of the time.

I can't figure out what the fuck to do about school. Can't figure it out to save my life. And I've had no inspiration lately to do so. You should see my schedule for this upcoming semester. It's hilarious. I don't even know why I signed up.

Sometimes I wonder if I need a therapist.

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All the music in my iTunes no longer reminds me of you.
Pictures of you and all our little artifacts, proof that we once were, have disappeared from my room.
The books I read, the places I go, the food I eat, the choices I make no longer reflect your input.

When you first left me I wrote you letter after letter. I remember I couldn't spend a single day without heaving and choking on tears.

Do we still mean anything to each other?
I still think of you. I still think of you and feel the strongest form of sadness I've yet to experience in my life so far.

I still think of you and think of what it might be like if one day, someday, we got back together. Even though I know that can't happen. Not with everything we've put each other through.

Why am I crying? I don't want to cry. No... I do. Because it's a release.

But I really do love someone else, now. And he's fantastic. I almost wish I would have met him before you so that I could love him with a whole heart. Not one with pieces missing. I guess I need to accept the fact that love will never feel the same after the first time. They make it look like it does in books and movies, but they're just stories.

Oh Ben... I'm so sorry I have these feelings. I'm so sorry that I cry for him when you're at work. So sorry. You deserve better. And I want to start giving you better. I think my heart may be healing. I know it's taking long, but it will be worth it in the end, I promise. My undivided love is the strongest and most powerful of all my attributes. And I'm going to give that to you.

*sigh* Nutang is good for emotional panic attacks. I already feel better.

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I don't even know what to write about you.

Lets live together someday.
Lets make some distant promises.
I love that stuff.

You're right. You're always right about me.
I compare you. I take you and put you up against my brutal standards.
The standards of my past, the standards of my future.
But you win every time. You fight your way down, back to reality. You fight your way away from my clinging grip and look at my eyes and tell me it's going to be OK, you tell me to relax. You don't let my tendency to lead things towards disaster get in your way.

I always go for the softies. Maybe because I'm a fighter and I have to win. You look the part, I could tell from the beginning you had your problems and you had your insecurities. But Fuck! You surprised me. Blew me out of the water with your strength, your incredible sense of self. Instead of inflating my own ego with the desire to help you with your problems, you've turned me inside out and I have been forced to look in at my own. And through that I'm helping both of us.

Who would have known? I don't think you knew either. We started this with our doubts. According to the facts, this shouldn't have worked out. But you've shown me I can't just let facts be my crutch.

This.

This is good.

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I'm going to become a minimalist.
Selling all my junk in a garage sale.
for other people to buy. and then realize they don't need.
I'll keep my bed and my computer and my desk. The things I need.
I want to take down my posters.
Clean up this clutter.
Clean up my mind.

I am a messy person. My room mate and I had our first fight today. You know, the kind with yelling. I feel better now. I'm surprised it took 8 months for us to fight.
He's an OK guy, I'm just not good at sharing my space.

I am in love again. Yay. Yay for good feelings and good outings with friends, and yay for sex with real emotions.
Some people argue that once you have emotionless sex, you'll never have serious sex again. I think they are wrong. Although I don't believe in just casually sleeping with different people, I do think it's possible to have one kind of sex or the other. But sex and love together is an experience that can't be matched. Without a doubt.

My heart was just dead for a while. And reasonably so. It was exhausted.
But we're up and running again, my heart and I.

Love is a funny thing. I thought I'd only love once. I thought all attempts after that would be void. But I don't think so anymore. Sometimes I am worried I'll get too serious and run myself right back into disaster and heartbreak. Sometimes I am worried I will misjudge the person I am with and be blind/ignore the things that I really truly do not want in a partner. Sometimes I am afraid I just want someone to be with, and like most other girls my age, be consumed by the thought of "finding the one". Then be crushed and have to break another habit.

But there's no doubt I'm wiser now. And growing wiser still. So. We'll see what happens to me.

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I locked my keys in my car AGAIN and not only was it $45 for a locksmith but it was also embarassing because I was at work and everyone saw.
All I bought was sugary stuff when I went grocery shopping last so I'm stuck eating junk until I run out. Right now I'm eating s'mores pop tarts.
I got a parking ticket for parking in front of a fire hydrant at Ben's house.
I like Ben and all but his anxiety about driving to Denton to see me is starting to weigh on me. Not to mention gas is 3 dollars a gallon and I don't really have time to see him.
I've been slacking in school, I know for a fact I am failing Government because UNT sent me a notice in my e-mail. I'm having a really hard time caring.
My cats are stinky but I love them.
I have a crush on my French teacher. His name is Omar and he is from Jordan. French is his second language and English is his third. He studies linguistics. I stayed after class today to as him a question and I swear he was flirting with me. It's hard to tell because of the language barrier but I swear... And then I accidentally took his book (I swear it was a complete accident) because I thought it was mine and then I realized it half way to the bus stop, turned around, came back, and he was there waiting for me. Then as I was leaving for the second time he was like, "you are from arlington, no?" and I got creeped out a little and was like... yeah how'd you know? and he said that I said so when we all answered the question "where are you from" on like the first day of class. How/why would he remember that?? Haha. I'm over analyzing because he's cute. And 27.
AAAnyway.
When I'm not at school I'm at work and I am exhausted from getting up at 6am every day including weekends. I miss staying up late and sleeping in. I miss the night time. That is when I am the most productive.
But the funny thing is about all this is that I am relatively happy.
Even though I don't know what will happen with my education.
I don't know what will happen in my love life.
I don't know where I'll be living in a year...
I don't care. I like not knowing. I like being free. Not burdened by thoughts of the future, as wonderful as some of them can be, there's nothing like just sitting outside and reading a book and not worrying about anything else at all.

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